Fear.

When you've been closed off for so long, opening up seems all so scary.

It's a different kind of intimacy that I haven't felt before.

Always being an open book, always willing to share and talk about myself.

I never thought that I'd feel so vulnerable this time

I wasn't sure if it was because I felt like it was time to really open up and accept what the universe could provide for me, or was it because I felt comfortable with who I'm sharing my stories to.

The fear I felt when I retold the stories of my past, the fear of history repeating itself again.

The fear of the pain that I vividly remember.

The heartaches, the scratches and the marks on my hands.

The ugly tears and painful cries for help.

The urge to not just end it all and feel nothing again.

The switching and compartmentalizing of emotions.

The defensive disassociations, and the emotional roller coasters.

the fear.

I have always feared that I'm too much, too intense.

Giving my all for people I care for, loving them in ways that I know how.

I want to believe that deep down, there's nothing wrong with me.

Despite the negativities that's been thrown my way.

I'm a survivor. I'm learning from my past, learning from the pain that nearly ended it all.

I'm only human, and I want the fight to be done

I want to scream and let go.

I want to be the version of myself where I am loving people around me,

wholeheartedly, unashamed and loud.

I want to pour whatever's left of my heart unto the people I care and love.

I want them to see me for the little brave girl that I am.

I want to be seen, to be heard, and to be loved.

I yearn to be understood

I want to give my heart to the person that wants to protect it.

I want to give my all again, to let people into my life.

I want to let my walls down, I want to be vulnerable.

But how can I do that when the fear is so consuming, and real.

The fear overwhelms my every cell, to be hurt and thrown aside.

To be used and let go as if I didn't mean nothing to them

It makes me wonder if I was ever that "someone important" in their lives.

All the lies that were told, the empty promises made.

The love bombing, the gaslighting and the manipulations

I trusted these people with all my heart, and gave my all.

And in return, all I got was a broken soul.

I want to heal, and be whole again.

I want to be able to love again.

And maybe I am hard to love, but I love so hard.

I want to be with someone who choses me everyday, not just when they are in the mood for me.

I want to be vulnerable again,

loud and brazenly, without fear this time.